Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
