shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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