It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
