I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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