Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
