just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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