What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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