You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
