I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
