I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
