First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
