we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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