like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
