i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
