i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
