They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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