Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
