Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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