Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
