I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
