I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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