I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
