I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
