i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
