at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I will pee on everything he values.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My vagina is officially offended.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
