Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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