So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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