I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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