i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
