God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
