I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
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Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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