I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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