so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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