just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
