my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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