don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
His nipple licking is glorious
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