The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
