I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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