I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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