Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
