The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Found your dick twin last night
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
