I've blown a few things in my day
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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