so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
