Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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