I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
the liver wants what the liver wants
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
