I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
