yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
