What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
