My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
