Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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