Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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