Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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