Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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