We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Randomize
