So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
