Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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