Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
