i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
