he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
