I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
