Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
